3 Ways to Love Your Spouse Better

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, the perfect time to reflect on a few ways to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. If you’re unmarried and happened to click on the article anyway, these admonitions, if followed, will improve any relationship in your life. These commands are not unique to the marriage relationship but apply to relationships across the board. This article, however, will focus on spouses.

1. Resist the urge to make mountains out of molehills.

A helpful proverb to memorize and live by is “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (19:11).

Offenses we are to overlook are level 2 and level 3 offenses, or in my husband’s words “small potatoes.” Molehills. No big deal. What kinds of things are we talking about? Forgetting to take the trash out, leaving clothes on the floor, not having dinner on the table exactly when you wish, not getting the birthday gift you were hoping for, not complimenting your new hairstyle or outfit, speaking in a frustrated tone after a long day, leaving the toilet seat up, picking Chinese for dinner when you were in the mood for Mexican. And so on.

It is to your glory to NOT make these things a big deal because they aren’t a big deal. Your marriage will be stronger if you just let these things go.

No, don’t do it….don’t justify….don’t argue, “Well, it reveals his selfishness and that’s serious!” or “BUT she is not meeting my needs!”

Love bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. Deny yourself. Take up your cross. Live and love like Jesus did, who did not come to be served but to serve and give His life so we could have life.

2. Deal with level-1 offenses and then let them go.

The vast majority of your spouse’s offenses need to be overlooked. But there are some that need confronted, discussed, prayed over, repented of, and forgiven. We might not all agree on what offenses rise to level 1 but in general, it includes chronic/habitual unrepentant sin, heated arguments, name-calling, betrayal, use of porn, and others. Unrepentant sin that rises to the level of biblical grounds for divorce is not what I’m referring to here.

These conversations with your spouse must be approached and conducted with much prayer, humility, and dependence on the Spirit to be filled with the fruits of the Spirit and an overwhelming desire to 1) reconcile and 2) obey and please God.

“We make it our goal to please Him…” II Cor. 5:9

“Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” II Cor. 13:11

If your spouse fails to repent, you are commanded by Jesus to be ready at any given moment to forgive, meanwhile harboring no bitterness or resentment in your soul (Eph. 4:31). When your spouse does repent, you are commanded to forgive like Jesus, removing his/her sins as far as the east is from the west.

What does true forgiveness look like? According to Ken Sande, your forgiveness includes these commitments:

• I will not dwell on this incident.

• I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.

• I will not talk to others about this incident.

• I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

  
  

Dwelling on past offenses leads to resentment. Bringing up past sins that have been repented of does harm to your marriage. Want to strengthen your relationship and honor the Lord? Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Forgive and leave the past in the past. Let go and focus on nurturing your spouse and your future together.

3. Honor your spouse above yourself.

This command is straight out of an excellent chapter, Romans 12. Verse 10 says, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

It’s not in my nature to put someone else’s wishes and well-being before my own. But, empowered by the Holy Spirit, I can honor my spouse even when I don’t feel like it and when he/she doesn’t deserve it. Do we deserve Christ’s love, the riches of the kingdom, and His glorious inheritance including every spiritual blessing? We surely don’t, but He takes the initiative to move toward us in our sin and hard-heartedness,  showering us with love, mercy, and grace.

Honor involves treating the other person with esteem and respect. It includes expressing gratitude often, like: Thank you for being a good provider, thank you for folding the laundry today, thank you for paying the bills, thank you for being a loving mom to our children, thank you for cooking dinner. Honor affirms small steps of growth in the other person. It requires humility. We lower ourselves to lift up the other person – this is counter-cultural, for sure, and Jesus is our example.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves….Have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…” Phil. 2:3-8

The three admonitions stated above are common instructions we give in marriage counseling….common because we are flawed human beings, prone to withhold from others the same grace that Jesus has extended to us. But thank God for the filling of the Holy Spirit who empowers us to live a life of humility, compassion, forgiveness, and service – for the joy and growth of our spouses and marriages and for the glory of God.